I once met Alan Shearer
I was trying to use a vending machine up North
I was very hungry after a football kick-about in the park with some friends
And I was out of change
But then along came Alan Shearer, what a bloke and he pops a coin in the machine for me and I thank him and get a packet of crisps from the machine
And I took the opportunity I said, could you sign my football?
And he sort of hesitated, he said
"I'd rather sign your crisp packet"
I said, well it would just be more appropriate to sign the football, because you are an ex-footballer
"Well you see I don't play football anymore, so I'm not really involved with footballs per se, I'm a spokesperson for Walkers now"
Hold on I said, isn't that Gary Lineker?
"No I just got the deal this morning, I'm taking over, so I really must insist on signing your crisps"
But I said I don't want to put up an empty bag of crisps on my mantelpiece
"Don't worry I know people who can have it washed, mounted and framed"
Have it washed?
"I have people, who wash crisps packets That I've signed"
But you said you've /just/ become spokesperson for Walkers
"I've always signed crisp packets regardless of my myriad endorsements"
So I finally agree and hand him the crisp packet
And then he hesitated again, he shakes his head furiously, throws the crisps on the floor and slams another coin in the vending machine and thrusts a Diet Coke into my hands
"I'm the spokesperson for Diet Coke and I'd love to sign your bottle son"
So this went on for about 12 minutes, he kept persuading me, I kept relenting, he kept then changing his mind and offering to sign another snack from the vending machine
Eventually he went full circle and finally offered to sign my football
And I gladly offered it to him, knowing there wasn't anything else he could get out of the now empty vending machine
But then he hesitated again and said:
"Actually I'll be honest, I'm a spokesperson for Barclays, can I sign your debit card?"
I thought that that would probably be illegal, but I would probably die of hunger if I continued the conversation so I give him my debit card to sign
But then we both realised neither of us had a pen
He said "ah well" and just walked away…
…but he walked away sideways like a crab
And as he walked away I realised what was going on
I saw the bright red glow of a sniper laser hovering on the back of his head
I was trying to fathom what just happened and then eventually
A van pulls up and an engineer in a jumpsuit and big ears and an oily cap comes out of his van and he comes to the vending machine and sees the pile of snacks at my feet.
He asks me if the machine malfunctioned
I thought about whether to say that I thought Alan Shearer was possibly in the middle of some vending machine themed version of the film Phonebooth but I instead just nodded, 'yeah it malfunctioned'.
The engineer started to restock the vending machine, but then I noticed he was putting the Walker's crisps aside into his toolbox
I joked with him "Keeping a little bit for yourself eh?"
And he turns to look up at me, he's Gary Lineker, and he has a single tear hanging on his nationally respected cheek, and he grabbed at my footballing shorts and said to me:
"When you eat Walker's, you eat… a piece of me"
He solemnly closed the vending machine, closed his toolbox, got back in his van and drove away, his dog barking away in the passenger seat.
And I thought about what he said, but I was still a hungry and I realised that snacks were all back inside the vending machine and I still didn't have any change.
But suddenly out of nowhere appeared none other than Declan Donnelly and Anthony Macpartlin, reaching in their pockets looking for some change
Except it wasn't change but two silenced hand guns, they thrust the barrels into my sides, Anthony's gun was lodged slightly higher into my torso than Declan's and I thought to myself 'that's exactly what would happen if you were held at gun point by Ant and Dec'
and I laughed readers, I laughed my confused head off.
Declan started to breath on my neck and it tickled
And they asked me what I was doing with Alan Shearer and Gary Linaker
They said everything in beautiful harmony with each other
I stuttered, saying that I just wanted some crisps, I just want some crisps, is that too much to ask for in the north?
They didn't believe me, because they said that they didn't believe me
They said they were going to take me to the Asda Gateshead for questioning
We got in a northern car and they explained to me that Alan Shearer was trying to steal every endorsement deal that Ant and Dec had
They said that Alan Shearer had been spotted walking around Morrisons pretending to be in an advert and smiling like an idiot at all the in-store butchers, hoping that he'll give Morrisons no choice but to put him in their adverts.
Anthony shot a tree in disgust out the window
They said that they were tracking him around the north trying to keep him in check with 24-hour sniper surveillance, with Gary Lineker on ground patrol, using Richard Hammond on a leash as a sniffer dog.
I started to panic, I was suddenly way too deep into the North and Midlands Marketing Industrial Complex and getting deeper, I suddenly remembered northerners never lock their car doors and so at a traffic light I got out of the car and ran into a roadside tree cluster until they gave up searching for me
I went into a nearby Hyundai showroom to hide for a while, sitting in an i30 tourer in Pepper Grey. But lo and behold I see none other than Alan Shearer again, stroking the bonnet of a Hyundai with an idiot smile on his face.
A red sniper laser suddenly shone through my windscreen onto Alan's forehead and just as he realised.
BANG the bullet thrust through the rear window, thundering past my shoulder, through the windscreen and straight out into a Vending Machine.
Alan had vanished from his spot, most likely sideways.
I heard the wheelspin of Ant and Dec's car as they drove away in pursuit.
I clambered out of the car, my ears ringing like mad, and I crawled to the vending machine, which was now spilling crisps packets like a broken fire hydrant
I opened a pack of Walkers and started to munch on it
Then my football rolled to a stop beside me, with a signature from Alan Shearer.
I really hope he is okay.